I always loved the game Truth or Dare, but I will confess to
being a bit of a chicken while playing, so I was usually a “Truth” girl. In all fairness, this had a direct
correlation to the nasty imaginations of some of my friends and their talent
for thinking up truly humiliating dares.
So, how did I confess to my family that I was an aspiring
writer?
The truth is, I didn’t.
I was outed.
To fully appreciate the delicacy of my dirty little writing
secret and the furor that ensued, we need to travel back in time, oh, I won’t
confess how many years exactly, but it was that weird and terrifying time in my
life known as the day I graduated from college.
Suddenly, the pressure was on. I figured I’d get my teaching
credential, settle down as a middle school Language Arts teacher and call it a
life. But the further I went along that path, the more dangerously depressed I
became. Eventually my roommate at the time, who happened to be writing a book,
blithely suggested I should write a book, too.
I will never forget it, because in that moment I remember
feeling this pull deep in my chest, like some cosmic strand of the universe had
just threaded itself through my soul. That may be a little over the top, but
sometimes it pays to listen to these sorts of things. So I followed that voice
in my head that said “Yes! DO IT!!!” and I wrote a four hundred page novel.
Dear God, it was awful.
But I had accomplished something wonderful and for the first
time in my life, I felt like I had a calling. So what did I do about it? I kept
it my deepest most treasured secret. I had no intention of telling anyone,
especially my Mom.
Now here is where I feel I need to interrupt our story for a
little disclaimer in defense of my mother, whom I love very much. She had a
rough time growing up due to her father falling deathly ill as a child.
Consequently, my mom is a little bit of a personal financial security freak,
and frankly, I can’t blame her. Unfortunately, my whimsical soul never followed
her line of logic. I wanted to be an
animator for Disney! She talked me out of it. I wanted to be a veterinarian for
a zoo! She talked me out of it. It didn’t matter what childhood dream I had,
the first thing out of my mother’s mouth was always, “That’s great honey, but
there are very few people who ever make it in that profession. You need a
secure job that pays enough so you can support yourself.” To this day, I’m not exactly sure what my Mom
was trying to say to me, but I can tell you how my brain twisted it around (if
those were even really her words). What I heard in a constant refrain from the
youngest age of my childhood was, “That’s a nice dream, honey, but you’re not
going to make it. I don’t want to see you fail, and that’s what’s going to
happen. So, why don’t you just drop it before you get hurt and do something
safe, like teaching.”
Once again, and louder this time. Mom, if you are Googling me and this comes
up. I know you didn’t mean it that way and I love you with my whole heart.
You’ve been my biggest cheerleader, and I couldn’t have gotten to this point
without your support. Thank you, Mom! Love you!
Okay, back to our story.
So, with my new found passion for writing, I decided I would
be an author, and I knew exactly what I would hear if I told my Mom about it. Writing
as a profession is not exactly known for its high success rate and steady
paycheck. I decided that writing meant too much to me to let anyone, even
people that I love, take it away from me by feeding my self-doubt. I needed to
believe in myself, so for the first time in my life, I asserted my independence
by keeping my dreams with the only person who could make them or break them,
me.
Naturally, this didn’t last too long. Writing a book is
exciting and I had to tell someone, so I told my future sister-in-law. Feel
free to insert your own little strain of ominous music right here.
Sure enough, one evening, my Mom was lamenting to the rest
of my family that I seemed so lost and I didn’t have passion for anything or
any sort of direction for my life. That’s when my sis-in-law chimed in. “Well,
she’s written a book.”
“I think I heard the “WHAT?” from my apartment ninety miles
away.
The next morning, I answered the phone and found myself in
the middle of one of the angriest phone calls I think I’ve ever received. It
went something like this. (My memory might be slightly fuzzy, but you get the
idea.)
Mom (angry voice): Your sister was over for dinner last
night. She said you wrote a book!
Me (calm, but inside hearing the Scooby-Doo ‘Ruh-Oh, in my
head): Yeah, I have.
Mom: And you’re going to send it publishers?
Me: That’s the idea.
Mom: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!!!!
Me (after a sigh and a pause where I gathered more courage
than I’ve ever had to muster in my life.): Because I knew what you were going
to say, Mom, and I didn’t want to hear it.
That is the moment where I became an adult. Very few people
are lucky enough to know the exact moment they turned in their ticket to Neverland,
but I do. With those words, I knew in my heart that I was responsible for my
own successes and my own failures, and I wouldn’t be afraid of either. I knew
in that moment I could choose the path of my own life and I could decide what I
wanted to do with it even if that path was difficult and frightening. In that
moment, I stood up to someone I loved and respected and told myself that I
loved and respected my own wishes even more. That was the moment that my future
became my own, and it was amazing.
My Mom was stunned into silence. I’m afraid I may have gut
punched her. She confessed later that she was very afraid I would cut her out
of my life, and that was the line in the sand. She decided to be supportive of
my writing career and keep her fears to herself no matter what, so long as I
was safe and happy. She’s been true to that promise ever since. That book never
sold, (I told you it was awful) and my mother was right along with me through
all of that frustration, but then she was just as big a part of the joy when I
did sell, and now she couldn’t be more proud
So what’s the moral of this story? I don’t really know, but
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose points with all my fellow Moms out there if I say it
is, “Don’t listen to your mother.” So,
instead I’ll say this. Don’t listen to any voice that would doubt you. You are
the only one who can decide what your fate will be and your own determination,
persistence, and strength in the face of adversity is what will get you there.
People can stand on the sidelines all they want and say, “You’ll never make
it.” You are the only one who will determine if that is true or not.
The game is only over the moment we stop playing.
So, good luck in whatever your
dreams may be.
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