I'm going to take a twist on this dare. When I lived in Scotland, I wrote a series of letters to certain tourism offices in Britain, concerning authors/books/film adaptations that I love and that have inspired my writing. Below I've posted two. This is a longer post. Stick with it.
Letter 1:
November 24, 2009
Welcome to Yorkshire
Dry Sand Foundry Foundry Square Holbeck
Leeds, LS11 5WH
Dear Office, When I was offered the post of governess at an estate located in West Yorkshire, I was overjoyed. Having read certain works of classic literature set in your lovely moors, I had reasonably high expectations of what my new life would be like. Alas, nothing has fallen into place. My charge, rather than a misbegotten daughter of a French opera singer, was instead a very legitimate British girl of four whose favorite occupation was not dressing in fine clothes and singing lewd songs but playing boyishly out of doors (!) in pragmatic, waterproof attire.
Then there is the matter of my employer. His name was Edward, but I always referred to him as Sir -- something I knew I would cease to do as soon as, after much Gothic confusion and struggle, we became engaged. But that's just it! I was prepared for him to already be married, of course, a predicament which would surface on the day of own wedding -- the rascal! But his wife was supposed to be mad, and locked away, not traipsing about with perfect sanity, planning vacations with Edward to the south of France, and scolding me for looking dreamy and not being about my work!
Last, but not least, was the lack, the utter lack, of mystery about the manor where I worked. Were there labyrinth hallways? Yes. Were there dark chambers and ill-lit stairways? Yes. But there was no lunatic laughing in the middle of the night, no unexplainable fires, no bitten strangers, and not ONE mad woman locked in an attic.
Not one.
Please address my concerns.
Ms. A. Genevieve Tucholke
Spinster of St. Stephen’s Parish
Response: None, the humorless bastards.
Letter 2:
August 21, 2009
Hampshire Office of Tourism
Mottisfont Court High Street Wincester, Hampshire
Dear Office,
I have enjoyed your travel video series on BBC hosted by one Miss Marple.
She aptly demonstrates both her sleuthing and traveling abilities as she solves
murder cases throughout rural England, primarily, I am led to believe, in
Hampshire. She serves as something of an inspiration to the rest of us
spinsters. Her tip on catching the 4:50 from Paddington has been nothing short
of life-altering. On a recent motoring trip through England, however, I must admit to a great disappointment. While the villages of Hampshire were just as quaint and lovely as depicted in the travel video series, not a single murder occurred during my travels. For several weeks I motored through rural England, spending nights at village inns and listening closely to local gossip...but not once did I encounter dark family secrets or criminal plotting. And the greatest disappointment of all: I never encountered a single murder. Not one.
Now, much as I enjoyed your travel video series, I must inform you that it was misleading. (Please refer to the episodes “Murder at the Vicarage” or “The Moving Finger” for examples of what was reasonably expected). I shall not visit England again for several years. In the meantime, however, please consider expanding such attractions as poisoning, mistaken shotgun blasts, and vengeful stabbings to various villages as depicted in the non-fiction travel video series.
Sincerely,
Ms. A. Genevieve Tucholke
Spinster of St. Stephen’s Parish
Response: They totally sent me a letter. It was witty and dry and British and awesome, detailing their distress at the lack of murders and crime and corpses during my travels. They "completely sympathised with my disappointment about the lack of murders" but they wanted to focus their attention on "promoting Hampshire as a safe destination where visitors can relax...without fear of loss of life."
I kept it on the fridge for months.
Questions:
1. Any wild guesses as to the fictional inspirations for either letter?
2. What tourist office would you choose to annoy with your letters?
April Genevieve Tucholke is a full-time writer who digs
classic movies, red-headed villains, big kitchens, and discussing murder
at the dinner table. Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea will be published August 15, 2013 by Penguin/Dial
