Tuesday, November 13, 2012

April Tucholke Takes the Dare

Okay, so Robin Weeks dared me to: Compose an open letter to the author(s) who wrote the books you are comparing or have compared your own book to. Talk about what you loved about his/her/their book(s) that inspired you to such blatant *ahem* emulation.
 

I'm going to take a twist on this dare. When I lived in Scotland, I wrote a series of letters to certain tourism offices in Britain, concerning authors/books/film adaptations that I love and that have inspired my writing. Below I've posted two. This is a longer post. Stick with it.

Letter 1:
 

November 24, 2009
Welcome to Yorkshire
Dry Sand Foundry Foundry Square Holbeck


Leeds, LS11 5WH 



Dear Office,

When I was offered the post of governess at an estate located in West Yorkshire, I was overjoyed. Having read certain works of classic literature set in your lovely moors, I had reasonably high expectations of what my new life would be like. Alas, nothing has fallen into place. My charge, rather than a misbegotten daughter of a French opera singer, was instead a very legitimate British girl of four whose favorite occupation was not dressing in fine clothes and singing lewd songs but playing boyishly out of doors (!) in pragmatic, waterproof attire. 




Then there is the matter of my employer. His name was Edward, but I always referred to him as Sir -- something I knew I would cease to do as soon as, after much Gothic confusion and struggle, we became engaged. But that's just it! I was prepared for him to already be married, of course, a predicament which would surface on the day of own wedding -- the rascal! But his wife was supposed to be mad, and locked away, not traipsing about with perfect sanity, planning vacations with Edward to the south of France, and scolding me for looking dreamy and not being about my work! 



Last, but not least, was the lack, the utter lack, of mystery about the manor 
where I worked. Were there labyrinth hallways? Yes. Were there dark chambers and ill-lit stairways? Yes. But there was no lunatic laughing in the middle of the night, no unexplainable fires, no bitten strangers, and not ONE mad woman locked in an attic. 



Not one. 



Please address my concerns.

Sincerely,  
Ms. A. Genevieve Tucholke
Spinster of St. Stephen’s Parish
 


Response: None, the humorless bastards.

Letter 2:

August 21, 2009 
Hampshire Office of Tourism 
Mottisfont Court High Street Wincester, Hampshire

Dear Office,
 

I have enjoyed your travel video series on BBC hosted by one Miss Marple. She aptly demonstrates both her sleuthing and traveling abilities as she solves murder cases throughout rural England, primarily, I am led to believe, in Hampshire. She serves as something of an inspiration to the rest of us spinsters. Her tip on catching the 4:50 from Paddington has been nothing short of life-altering.

On a recent motoring trip through England, however, I must admit to a great disappointment. While the villages of Hampshire were just as quaint and lovely as depicted in the travel video series, not a single murder occurred during my travels. For several weeks I motored through rural England, spending nights at village inns and listening closely to local gossip...but not once did I encounter dark family secrets or criminal plotting. And the greatest disappointment of all: I never encountered a single murder. Not one.

Now, much as I enjoyed your travel video series, I must inform you that it was misleading. (Please refer to the episodes “Murder at the Vicarage” or “The Moving Finger” for examples of what was reasonably expected). I shall not visit England again for several years. In the meantime, however, please consider expanding such attractions as poisoning, mistaken shotgun blasts, and vengeful stabbings to various villages as depicted in the non-fiction travel video series.


Sincerely, 
Ms. A. Genevieve Tucholke 
Spinster of St. Stephen’s Parish

Response: They totally sent me a letter. It was witty and dry and British and awesome, detailing their distress at the lack of murders and crime and corpses during my travels. They "completely sympathised with my disappointment about the lack of murders" but they wanted to focus their attention on "promoting Hampshire as a safe destination where visitors can relax...without fear of loss of life." 

I kept it on the fridge for months.


Questions:

1. Any wild guesses as to the fictional inspirations for either letter?

2. What tourist office would you choose to annoy with your letters?

 

April Genevieve Tucholke is a full-time writer who digs classic movies, red-headed villains, big kitchens, and discussing murder at the dinner table.  
 
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea will be published August 15, 2013 by Penguin/Dial
 

14 comments:

  1. Ha! Love these. And I love even more that they wrote you back. You probably made some bored tourism office secretary's day.

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    1. I hope so, Megan. I hope so. I got a great response from the London office as well--I wrote to complain that I hadn't seen any singing orphans, which I'd come to expect after seeing the1968 musical biopic: OLIVER!

      Hooray for people with a sense of humor!

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  2. Your dry wit absolutely makes my life, April Tucholke.

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    1. I'm so glad you think these are witty, Elsie, and not just, you know, STARK RAVING MAD. Fine line, fine line...

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  3. Dear April:

    I adore you. Please never leave us to go work on writing books again. We will surely never survive the loss.

    Best,
    Jenn ;-)

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  4. What Elsie and Jenn said +10 :)

    I'm now wracking my brain as to which tourism office I can write a disappointed letter to.

    I think you might have started a new thing, April.

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    1. Please write a letter! I would love this! In fact, I'm going to dare you to do it, officially, right here, with witnesses:

      Renee Collins, have you ever been fictionally disappointed in your travels? I, April Tucholke, TRIPLE DARE YOU to write to someone and complain. And then share the results on the Thirteeners.

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    2. *gasp* A triple dare has been thrown. Isn't it, like, illegal to not accept a triple dare?

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    3. I heard that blowing off a triple dare will get you seven years bad luck. Or maybe that's breaking a mirror. Either way, I wouldn't risk it.

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  5. Oh, April, that is brilliant! This absolutely made my day. Miss Marple's "Travel video series" is the best thing I've ever heard, and I love that they wrote you back.

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    1. Alexa, awesome. I wasn't sure if other people would understand the absurdity of believing that BBC's loveable Miss Marple adaptions were a Travel Video Series. Notice how I made a special effort to emphasize the NONFICTION-NESS of the series, in the last line? Just in case they didn't already think I was batshoot crazy...

      And yeah, them writing me back--put me in a good mood for days :)

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  6. My gosh, April. Did I ever mention how much I freaking love you!?!?! (probably not. I'm more of a, er, lurker, than a, ya know, commenter. oops.)

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    1. Thanks, Julianna, thanks. This makes my day.

      And I've been known to lurk too, by the way. Nothing wrong with this, nothing at all :)

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